When God promised Noah he would never flood the earth again, he must have not been talking about Provo.
As we are sure many of you have seen, Utah Valley has been enduring significant flooding over the past few days. Just like your roommate that enjoys Lego just a little too much, there has been no significant action in the area for several weeks. But it turns out someone prayed a little bit too hard for rain. (We are looking at you Sister Jorgensen. Yeah, we know who you are.)
This unexpected and excessive water has flooded many homes and apartments in the area. In Provo alone, there have been hundreds of people who have seen major damages to their residence. Expensive damages and renovations are waiting for those unfortunate enough to see this destruction first-hand.
What is the cause of all this ruckus?
Because weather patterns, climate conditions, and science are obviously not the answer, there has been an overwhelming consensus that the flood is due to the fact that more and more people are rejecting God’s prophets right on their doorsteps: Summer Salesmen.
Data shows that these valiant warriors, Summer Sales Bros, have seen large dips in performance. The Utah Valley area has been a major culprit to this drop-off. Many believe that this rejection endured by God’s chosen people is a sign of pride and wickedness growing in the last days. As we have been warned, God is not happy when you mess with his servants in the vineyard
“It’s been a really tough summer for me,” Geoffery Bezos, a local infantry salesman in the 91st Battalion of the Vivint Summer Sales Squadron complained. “I’m getting rejected left and right by these folks, the elderly are the only people I can scam…ehh I mean sell to nowadays. I’ve only made $200,000 this summer so I can’t even imagine how tough fall semester will be.”
Does Utah Valley still have time to repent? Is this the beginning of the end for humanity? Will we suffer the same fate as Noah’s people? The best we can hope for is that people will begin to set their mind straight and start buying useless solar power…to save humanity.