In this final glorious gospel dispensation, Latter Day Saints cherish the direction they have been given regarding what to put into their bodies. For decades, a cut and dry understanding of Doctrine and Covenants 89 had united the saints. However, with Bang Energy drinks, meaty barbecues, and now coffee flavored “Cosmochino Chunky Chocolate” ice cream at the BYU creamery, the lines today couldn’t be more blurred.

In fact, that same line that stretches out the creamery door on 9th seems to be the one that is being drawn in the sand to divide the two schools of interpretive thought on D and C 89 in Provo.

The Alternate Universe headed to the scene of the caffeine on Tuesday afternoon to take the pulse of both parties. Protesters and happy customers alike were swarming the small creamery like flies.

“Here are some words of wisdom: make it a double scoop,” says Mason Brimhall. “We are supposed to avoid hot drinks, not iced creams. Brother Joseph would have loved this stuff”.

“I’m addicted,” says Sarah White, six scoops in.

“We are the moral guardians of this campus. Health in the navel and marrow in the bones- that is what we are fighting for,” says Jaysen Short, who was holding a picket sign proclaiming “CappichiNO THANKS”.

Accounts of the protestors stealing ice cream from toddlers and throwing pints of Cosmochino Chunky Chocolate in the Provo River have recently been reported. Early yesterday morning Brigham Young’s statue in front of the Smoot building was found crowned with a crushed coffee ice cream cone. Theories of protestors buying the ice cream and throwing it on the sidewalk to melt in the sun are congruent with the 20 melting cones found on freshman hill.

In the midst of the chaos, the manager of the creamery on ninth smeared some of this melted cream above the shop door, hoping the destroying angel would pass her store by.