Today, Utah declared independence. It is unclear why. There is a list of reasons that the now-sovereign state gave us on their declaration, and it is quite short. The first and only reason is because of Biden’s infrastructure plan–”He has provided an infrastructure plan that will cause there to be way too much construction. We are officially done with construction. We do not care if our roads are falling apart as long as we can get to work on time after waking up late.”
We interviewed the United States. They say that they are not worried because Utah provides little to no worth to all the other states. The are not worried about secession from other states because, quote, “This is beyond stupid. The sovereign state of Utah will fail miserably.”
Because we, at the Alternate Universe, care very deeply about the success of Utah as a sovereign state, we interviewed state officials about their plan of action. We only care about its success because BYU is in Utah, and we do not want to transfer to BYU-I. Flip-flops are just too comfortable.
When we asked former Governor Cox about who will be president, he said that it will be Kevin J. Worthen. He looked quite upset as he informed us of this wonderful news. He wanted to be the president, but Kevin won the best-of-eleven thumb war tournament. It was only the two of them who were running.
We asked Erin Mendenhall about shipping products because we are now land-locked. She said that we will use blimps. Apparently, in the unlikely event that Utah and the United States ever break out in war, there is an old ordinance that prevents the US from shooting down blimps because blimps look like balloons, and you do not want to ruin anyone’s birthday party.
Kevin J Worthen provided us with information on the capitol. “The capitol is now in Provo because Provo is closer to the center of the state than Salt Lake City. We need to be able to efficiently send weekly newsletters by pony to all our citizens. If we have our mailing system in SLC, that could take too long.”
When we questioned the ponies, Kevin said, “Oh, yeah. We no longer have access to the internet.”