Fans of the Church are raving over these new kicks.  The “Righteous Shoes” are the most inexpensive Nike brand shoe yet–only $5, the standard price for used shoes at the Deseret Industries thrift store.  Scared you won’t buy a pair in time?  144,00 is a figure of speech; there is no limit to the number of shoes that will be sold.  

There was some initial pushback from vegans because each shoe contains a single drop of blood from a firstborn lamb.  Don’t worry, vegans, we’ve got you.  “Instead of using actual blood from a firstborn lamb, we took one drop and cloned it.  Don’t worry, the lamb was not hurt in this process.  It was already bleeding from stepping on a thorn,” says Church science spokesperson Betsy Reid.  

“These are the most ethical shoes you will ever meet.  They are made from 100% recycled tires, handcrafted by volunteers,” says designer John Deere.  Want to volunteer in the production of these fine shoes?  You can register through Just Serve.  Please register.  Everyone here is pre-med, and it is hard to carry a conversation.  Please, I am desperate.  But we honestly don’t need more volunteers.  What else do you think missionaries have been doing during Covid?

Still hesitant about buying these?  For every pair you buy, another will be donated to someone in need.  

“Righteous Shoes” does not sponsor the Alternate Universe, but we are all buying them.  Stay righteous!