Ex-Tunnel Singing Boy Band Beef Escalates in the Provo Area

Tunnel Singing” was famous around campus for being a hotbed for eager freshman boys looking to impress local girls with their beautiful singing voices. “Tunnel Singing”, the college equivalent of playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” on the Ukulele in the high school cafeteria, has not ruled Sunday evenings recently as it did in the past.

But recently, small “factions” of ex-tunnel singers have been spotted organizing their own outdoor singing events. These groups, primarily made of thirsty, lonely male college students have been seen gathering around campus. As many as five separate groups of singers have been confirmed in the area. 

Just last week, the Alternate Universe received a video of two of these groups, “The Stripin’ Warriors” and “The Provo Beach Boys”, participating in a violent “Riff-Off” during a turf war on campus. “Riff-Offs” were first made popular by the movie series, “Pitch Perfect” where two groups would try to out-sing the opposing group. 

Due to the extremely graphic nature of the video, we will not be posting it in this article. In the video, “The Stripin’ Warriors” are shown singing a personalized rendition of “If you Hie to Kolob” while “The Provo Beach Boys” countered with a trap-remix of “Be Still My Soul”. 

As things escalated, group members began “encroaching on each other’s personal space” and “getting within six-feet of one another”. Campus police had to intervene and break up the singers before things got out of hand.

After the incident, the campus police gathered a few statements from group leaders.

Ian Gershwin, known enforcer and lead tenor of “The Provo Beach Boys” explained why they aggressively broke out into song. “They were on our turf homie, we had to defend it. Back in Payson, the streets taught me everything I know. I had to represent fo’ all my P-Town boys!”

Leader of “The Stripin’ Warriors”, Ex-Commune, was quoted as saying, “It’s not my fault I was born with a beautiful voice. God gave me this gift and I’m going to use it! I will be an obedient servant and I will not hide my talent!” 

As gang activity increases in the area, we advise local students to stay inside Sunday nights and keep their children safe from the dangers of recreational acapella as much as they can.