As members of a pro-Trump mob laid siege to the United States Capitol on Wednesday, most elected officials were quickly evacuated to safety. Mitt Romney of Utah chose to stay behind in what observers called “an almost suicidal effort to hold back the mob.”

According to eye-witnesses, Senator Romney removed his shirt before grabbing what appeared to be a donkey’s jawbone from his desk. Romney then took his white shirt, fastened it on a pole and wrote the words “In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children.” upon it before planting it in the ground where he stood. Witnesses claim Romney then tied his tie around his head while positioning himself between the oncoming mob and the fleeing senators. As the mob charged Romney stood his ground and began clubbing the onrushing terrorists. In a battle that raged for almost three hours Romney incapacitated nearly 1,000 MAGA mob members.

Once the action had settled down on the Senate floor, Romney took it upon himself to clear the entire building of insurrectionists. “It reminded me of that scene in Rambo: First Blood Part II when he’s sneaking around the jungle just taking dudes out left and right. It was awesome!” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Commenting on the event later in the evening Romney stated ” Based on historical precedent, I have no affinity for mob rule.”