In an apparent effort to avoid nationally broadcast humiliation, the Army has cancelled their upcoming football game against BYU. According to “official” sources the cancellation is due to concerns over BYU’s handling of COVID-19 cases and reporting. According to smart people who know when they’re being lied to the cancellation is due to the fact that BYU is clearly the greatest college football team ever assembled and Army doesn’t want to be embarrassed like Navy.

BYU Athletic Director Tom Holmoe declared that BYU would “chalk this one up as a ‘dub” due to the late cancellation of the game. Holmoe added “We welcome the possibility of rescheduling this game for a later date, as long as they recognize that the actual reason they postponed is because they were scared.”

Further complicating this matter was the scheduled abdication of command of the United States’ ground forces in the event of an Army loss. As was previously rumored, head coach Kalani Sitake and religion professor Hank Smith will seek to solidify their control of the United States Army by Saturday at the latest.

Looking to patch the hole in the Cougars’ schedule AD Holmoe reached out the both the Air Force Academy and the Coast Guard. The Coast Guard offered to play a game of water polo against the BYU Football team, while the Air Force opted for a game of Madden 21. Latest reports indicate that Holmoe considers both options to be “acceptable”.