After several days of heated deliberation, officials in Washington have decided to replace the United States Navy with the BYU football team. This comes on the heels of the 55-3 drubbing BYU dished out on national television on Monday. When asked, Grand Admiral Kevin Worthen seemed optimistic about this development saying ” This is a great opportunity for BYU to expand our control beyond Utah Valley. Maybe we’ll open up a campus in Annapolis or San Diego.”

This move comes with some controversy however, as many former admirals have spoken out against this radical reorganization of the nation’s armed forces. “You can’t just swap out the entire Navy based on the results of a football game.” says Admiral Richard Bates, ” We’re concerned that BYU won’t be able to defend our interests at sea, both at home and abroad.” BYU administration responded to this criticism by citing the university’s maritime experience of being located near two large lakes.

One of the most important implications of this decision seems to be the prospect of BYU also absorbing the responsibilities of the United States Army should the Cougars defeat West Point’s team later this month. Details are sketchy at this point, but in that event all signs point to Kalani Sitake and Hank Smith taking joint command of the nation’s ground forces.