BYU has just completed its first week of classes back on campus this week, and there are already reports of confirmed cases within the campus community. This has many worried that school will be pushed back to remote learning only, where students will be unable to attend some of their classes in person. However, the faculty were quick to take advantage of this opportunity to make large bets on the exact date that campus will be shutdown.

After a thorough investigation on our part this week, we were able to uncover some of the details and workings of this ring. The ring meets in different locations every night so as to avoid any suspicion. Staff and faculty within the accounting department are acting as the bookies. They keep track of all bets placed and what the odds are for each date that is available to select. The statistics department have created pamphlets that can be purchased to help determine the odds of picking the correct calendar date. Even the philosophy department is participating, already having held debates on the ethics of this practice, but they too have still placed bets.

“I mean we have already seen a number of cases this week, and I wanted in on some of the action. There’s a lot of money on the line for me. I am talking entire mission funds for all three of my kids,” said one faculty member who wished to remain anonymous.

Helaman Halls has already been designated as a hot spot and all students not living there are strictly prohibited from visiting the dormitories, though this has already been in practice for countless years. Rumor has it that the Media Arts department has already sent a small documentary crew to follow the gambling ring. The film will premiere when classes move online. It will cost an extra $300 in tuition to access on Learning Suite.