On July 6th, a new ICE policy came to light that would require all international college students enrolled in exclusively online courses to leave the United States. Today, ICE doubled down and expanded their policy to include all college students, regardless of nationality.

“We figured, hey why do all these no-good freeloading college wimps need to be here? They’re doing all their classes online anyways, they can go back to Wakanda or Sokovia or wherever they’re from.” said ICE Director Rhys Baiter.

While many are swift to point out that the vast majority of college students in the United States are American citizens, ICE doesn’t take that into consideration. “People always say we’re racist or xenophobic but they don’t have any evidence. We’re kicking out all college students of all races, what’s racist about that?” said ICE Spokesperson Nate Bedford-Forrest. It’s unclear at this point whether or not ICE will actually be able to follow through with this policy as there is no legal precedent for deporting American citizens.

According to sources embedded in the BYU administration President Worthen has already begun assembling his “A-Team” of lawyers to fight for BYU students. Worthen has reportedly been heard saying “Not on my watch, these kids are sticking around.” while making calls to contacts in his old-school desktop Rolodex.