In light of concern about spiking coronavirus infections in Utah, and facing growing ire from hordes of disgruntled students, benevolent Provo landlord Rick Rolle has announced that his tenants will be permitted to break their leases prematurely for the modest fee of their firstborn child.

Jenyssa and Leroy Small, married BYU sophomores who recently welcomed an infant son, Solomon, expressed disappointment at their landlord’s new policy. “We’ve already surrendered our dignity by paying $1100 a month for this basement apartment,” rued Jenyssa. “Now, if COVID-19 gets even worse, we’ll be forced to sacrifice Solomon, too,” Leroy quipped.

Rolle, however, stands by the new lease stipulation: “The small fee is completely appropriate in the Provo housing market and will cover sanitation and repair costs.”

Reached for comment, a representative for Brigham Young University’s Off-Campus Housing office suggested the Smalls look into tenant mediation services but reaffirmed that his office had no control over the decisions of area landlords.