Since a prominent statue of Brigham Young on the campus of BYU was vandalized earlier this week, police have been on the hunt for the vandals. That search was cut short this afternoon as several descendants of Sidney Rigdon came forward and claimed responsibility. They explain that this was simply the latest escalation in a century-long struggle with Brigham Young for authority in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“Erebody been followin’ Brigham Young ‘stead of our great great great granddaddy because they done thought he looked like Joseph Smith.” Donny Rigdon says over the phone from his cabin in Nauvoo, “Well, he ain’t look like Joseph no more, on account of having red paint all over him.”

According to Mr. Rigdon, he and his four sons took a carriage all the way across the country to the campus of Brigham Young University. When they found the statue of Brigham Young proudly displayed, they splashed paint on it, wrote the word “racist” across the front, stole several handfuls of dirt, and then rushed back to their carriage.

“We had to be back in Illinois to harvest the corn, otherwise we woulda gone all the way to Salt Lake with the other half of that paint can.”

The BYU police are happy to finally know who is behind the vandalism but are having trouble navigating inter-state laws. Odds are the vandals will never be brought to justice. In the meantime, sources report that descendants of Brigham Young are planning to go to Nauvoo and tip over the Rigdon’s cows.