One of the greatest traditions of our country is lunch at capitol hill. After various sessions in the House of Representatives and Senate, all the politicians sit together and eat a fine American classic: cafeteria food.

In recent years, however, the great cafeteria that is the American government has become increasingly clique based. The Republicans sit with the Republicans, the Democrats sit with the Democrats, the Progressives sit with the Progressives, the Libertarians purposefully sit alone, and nobody wants to sit with the Green Party. This has created an awkward situation for Utah’s favorite son, Mitt Romney, because he has garnered the ire of everyone.

Recently, when attending lunch, Mitt Romney tried to sit with his “tribe.” The Republicans turned him down sighting his opposition to their ringleader. Next, he tried to sit with the Democrats. They turned him down because 8 years ago Romney ran against them, and they are known to hold a grudge. Starting to become desperate, Romney attempted to sit with the Progressives. He was not able to discern why they turned him down, save something about the “1%”.

Romney then attempted to sit with some of the libertarians, he thought he had some things in common with them after all. However, any time he tried he quickly found a Gadsden flag in the chair he was trying to occupy.

Hopeless, Romney began to head for an empty table. Just then, a voice was heard saying “you can sit here.” Romney looked over and beheld the Green Party. “You can sit here” they repeated, “please, we will take anyone at this point.” Romney smiled and responded, “thank you, but even I’m not that desperate.”