Colby Doland may have had his riveting summer of selling security systems and working out ruined by COVID-19, but he’s already set on “making bank” in 2021. Following a devastating week of protests across the nation, Colby has begun compiling a list of all businesses that have been looted or damaged in any way. He plans on approaching each and every one with his well-rehearsed “riot-proof security system sales pitch”.

“Excuse me sir or ma’am, I can’t help but notice that last year your business or home was damaged by protestors.” says Colby, giving us a taste of some of the lines from his pitch, “Would you like to be safer next time there is tension in your neighborhood and/or place of business? Because what your business really needs right now is a system that automatically calls the police to come protect you.”

Colby is certain his selling strategy will work and is even considering extending his stay in a small town in Georgia for several extra months to reap the benefits. When we asked Colby about how useful a Vivint security system would actually be against looters, he wasn’t sure what to say.

“Well, the security system will eventually call the police. When they show up they’ll shoot some tear gas into your store, maybe push you to the ground or something.” says Colby, “Overall, it could scare some violent people away maybe.”

Sources confirm that local businesses are not impressed.