With more and more articles published about Coronavirus‘ toll on mental health, we decided to sit down with an anonymous BYU student and ask how they feel. Below is a transcript of the interview.

Alt Universe: So, how have you been feeling recently?

Student: Gosh, that’s a tough question. Like, what is recently? What day even is it? Is it July yet?

Alt Universe: It’s May.

Student: I guess I feel good. I haven’t really been sleeping though.

Alt Universe: Talk about that.

Student: Well, I guess I used to have insomnia before all this, but that was mostly because I was stressed about tests and stuff. Now I just lay awake, questioning the meaning of it all. What is real? Am I real? Are you real? All that’s real is my laptop screen, which I stare at endlessly. When I close my eyes, it’s still there, the screen burned onto my retinas. And that Zoom *ding* is all I hear anymore.

And no Zoom! I don’t want to update you! As soon as all this ends, I’m just going to delete you off my computer anyway!

But then I think, when all what ends? Do I mean Coronavirus? Or existence? Am I just a figment of the imagination of some wicked god? Am I the plaything of some programmer, the product of super advanced code? Am I going through the “Coronavirus DLC” for some fourteen year old playing the video of my life?

Alt Universe: Would you say that your mental health has been impacted by Coronavirus?

Student: No, not really.

Alt Universe: How has your opinion of Coronavirus changed since it first began?

Student: Well, when classes were first cancelled, I drove around with my friend blasting Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” from my stereo. But now, now I just wish class would come back. Heck, I’d even take Organic Chemistry right now, if it just meant I could see something else besides my laptop screen or my ceiling. If school doesn’t start up again this fall, I don’t know what I’ll do!

I mean, what does human life really matter anyway? What if a few old people and maybe some young people die? Does it really make that big of a difference in the universe?

And that’s about where the interview stopped being productive.

Once again, we’ve proven mainstream media is fear mongering and dishonest. Clearly, quarantine has had little effect on mental health.

But don’t worry, because you can always trust us to deliver the unbiased truth!