In a statement to the press, JC Penny’s confirmed that they have been closing stores for years to prepare for COVID-19; a move that has been described, by many business analysts, as the greatest game of 4D chess ever played.

The statement reads: “At JC Penny’s we don’t make any business decisions without the guidance of Samantha Flair. Samantha is our local essential oils guru, who moonlights as a fortune teller. 3 years ago, during our monthly corporate séance, Samantha drew the ‘Fool’ card and predicted that any business that invests heavily in the next few years will suffer to a plague. As any sensible business would do, we listened to the wisdom of the spirits and immediately began downgrading.”

Only now does the genius of JC Penny’s truly shine. Years of laying off employees, firing managers, and closing locations has allowed JC Penny’s to become extremely resilient to the losses generated by COVID-19. Other businesses around the world have much to learn from this new bold strategy.

The Alternate Universe has sent a request to Samantha Flair to help us with our future business decisions. We will bring you more details as they become available.