As social distancing continues on, it is worth taking notice of how things have been changing for average people over the last five weeks. Wednesday evening, the Alternate Universe received a report from Raintree Commons resident Brian Metzger regarding how “Stay at Home” policies have impacted his day to day life.

“It used to be easy, you know? I’d grab something on the way out the door and be on my way.” said Metzger “It’s way harder to eat my roommates’ food now that they’re home all the time.” Like many Provo degenerates, Metzger has made a common practice of eating food purchased by his roommates. “It started out pretty simply, a few chips here, a banana there, but it got out of control after a few years.”

Over the last three years, Metzger has consumed an estimated $1,450 of others’ food. Now, with heightened kitchen surveillance, he has been forced to buy his own food with his hard-earned $1,200 stimulus check.