Since the passing of the CARE Act, or Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act, the question on everyone’s minds has been, “will I get free money?”

With so many news sources reporting so many seemingly conflicting things, it can be hard to get to the bottom of that question. Many are worried they won’t find their answer to that question until $1200 shows up in their bank account–or it doesn’t.

But worry no longer, because we at the Alternate Universe read through the entire bill to definitively answer that question!

So, will you as a BYU student get free money? Yes! But you must jump through a few simple legal hoops.

First, your parents cannot declare you as a dependent. So make sure their 2019 tax filings do not include you. In fact, it helps if you change your last name too. And make sure to let your parents know they are cut out of your life forever, and you don’t love them anymore. But don’t worry, when you get your $1200 check, you can talk to them again.

Second, get married! The $1200 is doubled to $2400 if you’re married, so why not seal the deal! If you don’t already have a significant other, just marry your roommate. Gay marriage is legal in all fifty states. Make sure to hire a good lawyer so you keep all $2400 when you get divorced.

And thirdly, and this is the most critical, you must sacrifice a goat for the glory of Donald Trump. Moreover, there is a highly specific ritual you must follow in order to qualify.

1. The goat must have black fur, and must be the blackest fur you have ever seen.
2. Dismember the goat. We’ve found its helpful to wear an apron, because blood will squirt everywhere!
3. Rip its heart out with your teeth. If the goat is not already dead, this will finish it off. Make sure to wash your face afterwards and gargle some Listerine. Your new husband/ wife is not going to want to make-out if your mouth reeks of goat insides!
4. Burn all the internal organs on an alter before a golden statue of Donald Trump.
5. Sprinkle the blood on the head of the golden statue.
6. Repeat the words, “I pledge my everlasting soul to Donald Trump” six times, each time kneeling before the statue. Make sure the tip of your head touches Trump’s golden feet each time, or the ritual won’t work.
7. Enroll in Trump University

And that’s all you have to do! So don’t worry! This bad economy is hitting all of us, but you can rest easy knowing that government money will be yours!