Hoping to avoid the “terrible human tradition” of being pinched for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day, one local Coronavirus is hysterically digging through its RNA to find something at least remotely green to put on.

“Shoot, I did NOT realize that was TODAY.” lamented Rony the Coronavirus, “There’s no way I’m going to show up in public today like THIS.”

Although Rony and his friends pride themselves on being internationally minded, the deadly pandemic virus seems to have “completely spaced” the approaching Irish holiday. People of the world are not expected to show any mercy.

“I’m no virologist, but I’ve seen colorized photos of Coronavirus and there’s nothing green about them.” comments BYU sophomore Kirk Davids, “St. Patrick’s day seems like the perfect opportunity to pinch each and every last one of those things.”

Irish scientists are enthusiastic about the idea, but have run into trouble developing tweezers small enough for the job. With less than 24 hours until the holiday ends, they might just miss their window of opportunity to teach the virus a lesson.