Early Friday morning a coalition of “scientists” from the Draper, Utah area announced that essential oils are effective against COVID-19. According to their “very thorough, very professional” studies, using oil from “Toxicodendron radicans” can lead to a remission in corona virus symptoms and also a sturdy defense against economic downturn.
“It’s not really surprising,” said “researcher” Cambreyn Dylan, “after all, it’s from nature so it has to be good and safe.” When asked for a comment on the situation, professors at the University of Utah School of Medicine began crying. One was able to choke out a brief “Why? Why do these people exist?”
While the long term efficacy of using essential oils against contagious disease is yet to be fully established, some report that it is a proven quantity that these oils prevent against adverse economic conditions. “It’s pretty simple actually, you just get five people to join up and use oils, and they get five people and so on.” stated “economist” Shandlyn Johnson. “It’s a foolproof business model that can survive any shift in the economy.”
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