After an in depth study, scientists (if psychologists can be called scientists) claim to have proven that the distance someone lives from campus is inversely proportional to how big of a tool they are. In other words, if someone lives close to campus, they’re a pretty big tool.

The BYU Psychology Department classified five zones for student housing: south of campus for normal people, west of campus for the unmarried, old people and those who couldn’t find housing south of campus, east of campus for foreigners and cannibals, north of campus for married people, and on-campus housing for freshman and pedophiles.

Then, using a deeply subjective metric known as the “Tool Scale,” psychologists talked for twenty minutes with a random sampling of students from each area about how certain things made them feel. From these answers, the psychologists determined where the interviewees fit on the “Tool Scale.”

Sidney, a sophomore psychology major was asked what exactly “tool” means. Sidney’s only answer was, “someone like my ex-boyfriend who dumps you over text and then makes out with your best friend. She is also a tool by the way.”

Further probing into the study showed that Sidney was in fact the only interviewer and the sole psychologist working on the study. The sample of students was chosen at random from a list of contacts in Sidney’s phone. Also, her ex-boyfriend–the one who dumped her over text–lives at the Isles. Her best friend lives at the Avenues.

She has ensured us that the study is totally accurate and removed from any and all biases. The yet-to-be-published paper concludes with the phrase, “the authors declare no conflicts of interest.”