The Alternate Universe’s Guide to Super Bowl LIV

Super Bowl Sunday is one of the country’s grandest days. Nothing screams “America!” like sitting on a couch for four hours, staring at a screen, and eating food that isn’t even that good. The Alternate Universe has compiled this ultimate guide for you to navigate Super Bowl LIV.

Who’s playing?

The San Francisco 49ers, representing the Big 12 Conference, and the Kansas City Chiefs, representing the Pac-12. BYU is currently scheduled to host the 49ers in 2037 and the Chiefs in 2051.

Where is the game being played?

BYU’s bid to host Super Bowl LIV ultimately fell short, as the league chose Maverik Stadium in Logan, Utah to host the big game. BYU will host Super Bowl LVII in three years, which will be the first Sunday sporting event on campus.

What channel is the game on?

Does it matter? We already know you don’t have cable. Just find someone else’s place to watch the game, gosh.

Which teams have BYU players?

Both the 49ers and Chiefs have BYU players on their teams, and the Chiefs are even coached by a BYU alumnus, Andy Reid. However, his choice to participate in sports on a Sunday is a questionable one, so proceed with caution as you decide who to root for.

What does “LIV” stand for?

What your roommate and her boyfriend will be doing once they start cuddling and the lights turn off: Losing Interest VeryQuickly.

Is BYU running any commercials?

Yes, BYU has used 60% of last year’s tuition money for this beloved 30-second commercial that will run during the third quarter.

Who’s performing at halftime?

It doesn’t matter, it’s not appropriate for Sabbath Day observance. Just turn to BYUtv immediately after time expires in the second quarter, where they’ll be showing an old Tabernacle Choir concert from 2011.

What food should I bring?

Super Bowl Sunday is the second-largest day for food consumption in the United States, after Arbor Day. You don’t want to disappoint and bring something subpar. One cute idea is to bring food that coincides the teams’ colors. For example, you could bring strawberry and lemon Jell-O to represent the 49ers, or you could bring strawberry and lemon Jell-O for the Chiefs.

My sacrament meeting doesn’t end until 5 PM. Is it okay if I leave early so I don’t miss kickoff?

Yes, but be prepared to not take the sacrament next week.

I’m a lifelong BYU football fan. I even have my own ROC pass this year. If I can’t root for the Cougs to win the Super Bowl, who should I root for?

Super Bowl Sunday happens to fall on a Fast Sunday. Coincidence? We think not. Begin your fast today, with who the right team to root for is on your mind, and break your fast right before kickoff with some Cup O’ Noodles.

Happy watching!