Early Friday morning, Salt Lake area protester Noah Hamsterner began his preparations for the October 2020 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. “It drives me crazy how these ‘sheeple’ keep coming and listening every year.” says Hamsterner, “This is the year that I’m going to bring the whole Church crumbling down. They’re not ready for the sign I’ve come up with for this time around.”

Hamsterner has spent every General Conference weekend he can remember standing outside of the Conference Center holding signs in protest of the semi-annual gatherings. According to some sources, he has already made seven trips this month alone to the local Hobby Lobby for supplies that are rumored to include poster board, construction paper, and clear tape. He will not be alone in his efforts as ten to twenty other protesters are reportedly planning on attending as well. “I’m going to stand there so defiantly. I guess no one will walk by because it’s all virtual, but maybe that means I’ve already won…” states veteran protester Penny Stockhard, “I just can’t stand that people have a belief system that gives them meaning. How dare they live according to principles they consider to be important?”

When asked if his efforts had ever yielded tangible results, Hamsterner declined to respond, but mentioned plans to host a future protest on the peak of Mt. Timpanogos in an effort to stop the mountain from being so tall.