CDC Declares Liberty Square in State of Emergency after Chemical Weapons Used in Parking Dispute

Even after Liberty Square management made parking spaces as small as possible – going so far as to hire physicists to ensure accuracy within the Planck Scale – it appears Provo’s widespread parking crisis has yet to be solved.

After a series of escalating events, the Center for Disease Control had no choice but to declare a State of Emergency after anthrax was used in an argument over parking at Liberty Square in Provo. The confrontation began last night between students Lindsey Robinson and Alice Scott.

Robinson returned home from work around 10 pm, much later than usual. She usually parks in the underground lot in the spot directly below her apartment. Tonight however, on account of her working late, the spot was taken by fellow student Alice Scott.

Robinson and Scott are casual acquaintances who both serve on the Friendship Committee together. Robinson says she knew it was Scott’s vehicle parked in her usual spot because “it was a Subaru and had one of those religious coexist bumper stickers and Alice is a like a total hippie. Because of her, I had to park like four blocks away.”

Robinson decided slashing Scott’s tires was the most reasonable course of action.

“Everyone knows it’s my spot, even though the spots aren’t assigned. I always park there.”

Apparently Scott did know it was Robinson’s usual spot, because when she awoke at 4:30 the next morning for work, only to see her tires ruined, Scott easily surmised it had been Robinson’s handiwork.

“It’s not her spot, but I know how entitled she is. No one else would’ve had the gall to do such a thing.”

Scott then broke into Robinson’s apartment and quietly left a dead horse’s head, still dripping with blood, under the sheets of Robinson’s bed. She managed to do it without awaking her still sleeping victim.

Upon awakening, Robinson was understandably upset. As a history major, she had recently been studying totalitarian states and their use of mass punishment to instill fear in would-be rebellious subjects.

“If one person did something in a village, then the whole village got burned down. It’s like a really good deterrent. And I need to prove a point. You can’t park in my spot. Everyone needs to know that.”

So Robinson burned down Scott’s entire complex.

The record gets a little hazy from here, as both Scott and Robinson have been arrested and are unavailable for questioning. However, we know that between the hours of 1 pm and 3 pm, Scott retaliated by dumping at least 10 kilos of anthrax all over Robinson’s apartment.

The police were the first responders, then the National Guard. Upon notification of the crisis, the CDC immediately announced the entire area will be under lockdown for the foreseeable future.

UVU has cancelled all classes for the rest of the semester. BYU’s schedule remains unchanged.