By James West
A new strain of coronavirus has been spreading across East Asia and has appeared in the United States. The Alternate Universe has been listening to the airwaves for a response from BYU.
In this week’s letter from President Worthen, BYU has finally issued a statement about the coronavirus. The statement reads as follows:
The coronavirus is spread through the mucous glands of human beings. In order to prevent the spread of the virus any further, the BYU administration recommends the following preventative measures:
- Cover your mouth when you cough.
- Do not share utensils or straws with students you don’t know.
- Get regular checkups at the student health center.
- Abstain from NCMOs and other unholy acts.
We here at the Alternate Universe anticipated more information regarding the transmission of the virus and how to prevent contagion. BYU officials decided to take a different approach.
The letter continues:
NCMOs are inappropriate for the Lord’s University at Provo. The acronym stands for “noncommittal make-out” and these actions are a danger to the sacred nature of our campus. It involves individuals violating the sacred temples of their bodies by engaging in contact with another.
In the eyes of this administration, NCMOs are more than just mouth to mouth contact. They represent a spiritual and physical health hazard that can land your body in the hospital and your soul in Outer Darkness. If you see anyone engaging in such vile acts, report them to the Student Health Center and Honor Code Office immediately.
The Alternate Universe has been unable to confirm any more information about the virus, though officials have offered further research about noncommittal make-outs. Further updates will be released as we receive them.