When Dallin Smith’s Mission President told him he had to be married in six months or face probable ensnarement by the wily traps of indolence and pornography, he could never have imagined what following that advice might cost.

Smith returned from his mission in Brazil two months ago, but with only four months left until midnight he had to start taking extreme measures to hit his mission president’s goal.

“Well, originally I was only going on one or two dates a week. But I’ve already been home for a while and my prospects aren’t looking good. I dated this one girl seriously for three days, and we made out a bunch and stuff, but she only wanted three kids, and I want at least nine. Since then I’ve realized that I need to be going on a couple of dates per day if I have any chance of being engaged by February,” Smith told us.

Smith works at Subway in the Wilkinson Center, but found his wages insufficient to cover the cost of so many outings with potential romantic partners. So he took out a loan to cover the expenses.

He chose Rockwell Ice Cream as his go to date location because, “the date can be short–like thirty minutes or less–so I can get through more girls in less time.”

Since Martin Luther King Day, Dallin has taken eight different girls to Rockwell on eight separate occasions. Yesterday, after passing out twice and needing to use the bathroom every fifteen minutes, he decided to visit his physician.

The diagnosis came as a shock.

“I’m really healthy. I go to the gym a lot and pretty much all I eat are protein shakes–well, protein shakes and ice cream.”

Thoughts and prayers to Dallin in this difficult time. Though he has confirmed that his sickness could change less important parts of his life, it will most certainly not affect his dating schedule. He fully expects to be engaged by February 1st.