In another instance of bold leadership by the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Russell M. Nelson announced Sunday night that red giving machines would be delivered to and installed in the homes of every Latter-day Saint. 

I am so proud of the work that men and women, inside and outside the Church, have done in regard to caring for the less fortunate around the world. During this time of year, we see so many donations offered and service given, and I am sure that it is making a difference. To further this cause, it has been decided to install a fully-functioning giving machine in every household, effective immediately.

Russell M. Nelson, President

The giving machines have already begun appearing in neighborhoods from Bountiful to Draper. Reports say that the giving machines are personalized and will suggest how much should be donated by each family member. There is also a mobile option in which the machines will be on robotic legs, allowing it to move from room to room. Smaller giving machines can follow the owner to work or school, encouraging any passersby to purchase a goat for the needy.

But local residents are not happy with the new change. Some have complained that having a giving machine so close spoils the fun of going to Temple Square to wait in line for six hours to purchase one water bottle for the 11% of the world with no access to clean water. Others worry that there aren’t enough giving machines and are also calling for a direct deposit option.

A spokesman for the Church remarked shortly after that “members should remember the counsel given to Joseph Smith in Doctrine and Covenants 10: ‘Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength.’ Next year, we’ll see how many more giving machines we’ll need.”