For the past few months, reports of suspicious behavior have come in concerning BYU’s (in)famous mascot Cosmo. Many parents have sent complaints to the university, accusing him of accosting their young children on their way home from school and offering them cougar tails if they’ll “get in the van.” Residents of Orem have also spotted him dumping trash from the Cosmobile while yelling obscenities at “UVU students.” “I don’t even go to UVU, I don’t think Cosmo knows that some BYU students live in Orem,” one victim has said.

This string of misdemeanors culminated this week when Cosmo was seen taking the Cosmobile to a car wash, accidentally stripping off its colorful paint and leaving a dingy white van. Since this occurred, police have stopped the Cosmobile 57 times, as it matches the description of several vehicles used in child abductions and robberies. 

“We didn’t ever find anything incriminating inside, but there are certainly some items of concern,” one police officer told The Alternate Universe. “The back of the van appears to have a large cage in it, perhaps to hold Cosmo himself. There are boxes and boxes of old, half-eaten cougar tails, and the van speakers have been stuck for the past two days playing ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth. We don’t know much about this Cosmo character, but he seems to be in some kind of downward spiral.”

If you or a loved one encounters Cosmo and feels unsafe, we recommend that you contact the police and update them on his whereabouts.