BYU attracts students from all over, even from outside of the Beehive State. These students arrive with exotic stories and misguided beliefs from beyond the mountains.
As Brigham Young University seeks to educate these disadvantaged refugees from Babylon, The Alternate Universe decided to record some of their horror stories about life outside the safety of Zion, as an ongoing effort to reinstate the Perpetual Emigration Fund to go and bring them in from the plains. These are their stories:
My name is George Johnson and I’m from Kansas City, Missouri. I came to the Lord’s University to study civil engineering and also to escape the bad influences of living in the mission field. I actually live really close to Jackson County, which a lot of people say is going to be Zion, but I’m not so sure about that. They drink coffee over there. I’m pretty sure that when the Second Coming happens, Provo will be the seat of the Kingdom of God.”
– George Johnson, Missouri
“Alright, let’s do this one last time. I’m Penny Barnes from New York City. I came to BYU mostly to get away from the big city but also to get a degree in computer science. In my hometown, there’s so much crime. My uncle was actually killed by a robber. He and my aunt raised me so I took his death very hard. I felt as though I could have prevented his death. For a while, I did everything I could to avenge his death. But I decided to just get out of there. There were just too many villains and my aunt’s apartment was full of spiders. There’s a reason that New York is named after the same fruit that caused the Fall.”
– Penny Barnes, New York
“Hey, y’all! I’m Mary Ann Williams. My family lives in Savannah, Georgia, and I’m about to finish my undergrad in English! The most terrifying part of being from outside Utah is that I have to leave to visit my family. I’m always afraid that a mob will be waiting for me at the airport and force me to go west. My family assures me that it would never happen, but I fear they’ve been brainwashed by their nonmember neighbors. I plan on moving in with my husband’s parents in Herriman where I will be protected by the mountains on either side.”
– Mary Ann Williams, Georgia
“You have to help me! My name is Walter. You don’t need to know my last name. My family is being held hostage by nonmembers back in Michigan. They are being forced to dig wells as the drought continues to sap the life from the area. My people are being forced to hide out in junkyards to avoid being forced to renounce their religion. Mutant biker gangs rule supreme and a toxic haze hangs in the stale air ever since the nuclear attack. The dead have risen from their graves and stalk my family. All they have to survive on are the dried food storage goods I send them whenever I can. But you can help me bring them here, to Zion! Wait, where are you going?”
– Walter, Michigan
“Hold on, what is this interview about? I’m from Texas and it’s way better than literally anywhere else.”
– Jared, Texas
“Hi! My name is Paul Rodriguez. Spokane, Washington, is my hometown. I love the homogeneity of the Wasatch Front. Everyone is so Christlike and I haven’t met a Democrat here, at least not like the ones over on the West Coast. My dream is to start a colony of Utahns in Spokane. I’d love to bring the pioneer spirit to the Pacific Northwest. Hopefully it’ll increase the number of startups, summer sales companies, and soda shops in my neighborhood. I think Utah is doing everything right!”
– Paul Rodriguez, Washington
“Yeah, I’m Washington Pereira from Brazil and I’m confused by your question. Are you asking me to tell you how much worse my hometown is than Provo? Why? Hey! Come back here!”
– Washington Pereira, Brazil
The Alternate Universe was unable to find anyone from the West Coast to agree to an interview.