Rumors have been flying all week after an ear-piercing siren was heard from the ASB on Monday. According to the Honor Code office, student honor dipped below the “righteousness threshold” this week, triggering alarms in all administrative offices. Honor Code officials have recognized the primary cause for low virtue levels among students— a recent trend of complete disregard for chastity lines in BYU-approved housing. 

Luckily there is a plan in place already, as one anonymous source has confirmed. Starting next semester, every incoming student will be implanted with a GPS-encoded chip. These chips will be monitored by the Honor Code office constantly, to ensure no one ever steps into an opposite-sex bedroom or bathroom.

If a student ever commits this serious infraction, even by accident, a small taser in the chip will electrocute the student repeatedly. To prevent tampering, the student must then visit the ASB to have someone turn it off. The current consensus is that these chips will be implanted in student’s necks, although other perhaps more “effective” areas have also been suggested.

This proposal has been met with a mostly negative response. Some have asked whether physical punishments are necessary for such a seemingly small infraction. Others have mentioned that using the restroom at a friend’s house would also result in electrocution.

Still others have questioned the ethicality of allowing the Honor Code office to implant students with GPSs and tasers at all. However, there is a small minority of students that support this idea. “I just really enjoy getting tased,” student Aron Fitzir reported. “I don’t see any downsides to this.” 

If BYU decides to follow through, they will have to justify the ethicality of these measures. We face a dilemma now as old as BYU itself—Do we uphold our 19th century standards of propriety at any expense to students? The answer, obviously, is yes.