Tragedy struck the Joaquin neighborhood of Provo on Wednesday, as senior Brevin Whitehead reported that his bicycle was stolen the previous night. Authorities were told that he had left it in the garage and assumed it would be safe because it was out of sight of any street-dwelling criminals.

“I mean, it’s Provo,” Whitehead justified, “we practically live in an impenetrable bubble. Nothing bad ever happens here; we go to the Lord’s University for crying out loud!” He then went on to express his bewilderment as to why anyone would ever want to steal a bike. “Like, you can’t even ride it between classes on campus. Nobody listens, but that’s not the point.”

When asked by reporters if he had a bike lock, Whitehead said the thought of buying one had never crossed his mind until now. Liberty Square declined to comment on the happenings of the incident or share footage from their security cameras, but did say Whitehead was given an exclusive pool pass and a coupon for five dollars off his next Brick Oven purchase of 30 dollars or more.

The local police department told The Alternate Universe that they would be investigating the bike theft later this week. At press time, they were excited at the possibility of Provo cracking USA Today’s “Top 25 Most Dangerous Cities in America” list, and that they planned to adopt “It’s Provo” as their new department slogan.