BYU’s signature news publication The Universe is in hot water this morning after news broke of a massive scandal. The organization has allegedly been exploiting unpaid student labor for more than 60 years, humiliating them on their own campus by forcing them to write a paper that no one reads.

“Every Tuesday when the paper is distributed, I watch thousands of students walk by our newsstands. They just point and laugh.” explains Jake Gardner, a traumatized Junior who struggles to cover sports news for The Universe, “They could put a lock on those newsstands and no one would even notice. And they’re everywhere, humiliating me constantly. It’s like The Universe doesn’t want me to have friends at all.”

But the scandal is even more cynical than simply making poor college students feel ashamed. One reporter, who prefers to remain anonymous in order to not to be associated with The Universe, divulged that students are even required to pay for their abuse: “Look, it would be embarrassing enough to just write two stories a week that are never read. But I’m actually paying tuition for this. Like, $1500 worth.”

Although it is unlikely that The Universe will end its oppressive ways, some remain hopeful. Activists are already using the hashtags #ConquerTheUniverse and #BoycottTheUniverse to rally support around the cause. Their hope is that with enough public pressure The Universe may choose to finally end this systemic public humiliation, and provide some reparations for those recovering from trauma.

Stay tuned for more reporting from The Alternate Universe as this scandal unfolds. As of press time, we are still waiting for comments from The Universe, President Worthen, and the people at Crumbl Cookies, who are taking an absurdly long time to deliver the cookies we ordered.