A local Chevron gas station is reportedly making millions this week after one simple change. Since marketing their gas as “essential oil”, thousands from across the state have brought their cars in to fill up. Customers insist that the fuel will dramatically improve the quality of their lives.

“Even I was surprised by how much smoother it felt driving in a car powered by this new essential oil. I can literally feel my cancer going into remission – and it’s good for the skin too.” Camila Crawdad explained, dumping a gas canister out all over her head.

Hoping to capitalize on the runaway success of its new campaign, Chevron is now in the process of bottling its gas in small vials and setting up stands at local farmers’ markets. Increased brain power, fertility, and luck are among the “suspected health benefits” listed on each bottle.

And the company, one spokesperson says, is just getting started: “Chevron Essential Oil will be everywhere pretty soon. We’re currently forming a pyramid scheme around a group of aggressively overconfident returned missionaries who have been promised large sums of money.”

Health supplement companies DoTerra, Young Living, and Nu Skin, however, are for now deciding to stay out of the market. They anticipate a sharp drop in demand when customers realize that gas just isn’t as “essential” of an oil as lavender extract.