Dear Alternate Universe,

 I’m writing because you guys are definitely the most reliable news source in Provo. Maybe even in the world. And something has come to my attention that I think your readers should know about.

You may have seen the billboards advertising a date with the LDS Millionaire? Yeah? Me too. Well, have you also seen the ones advertising dates with the non-millionaire Braden of date-braden.com?

If you have, DO NOT email him, because I am 100% positive that he is a ghost. He will walk down the middle of your hallway crying but sounding like the wind. He will leave mysterious messages written in blood in your basement. If you say his name three times into your bathroom mirror, he will appear and break the glass.

I know this because it has happened to me. I knew Braden before he was billboard famous. It started as a casual Mutual match meet-up at Rockwell ice cream. Things went well. though I suppose I should’ve paid attention to the fact that he was translucent and left a trail of ectoplasm wherever he walked. That’s on me.

On our next date, we went to CHOM burger. We talked. I didn’t think it was weird that he made me ask all of my questions through a ouija board. I didn’t think it was unusual that his best friends were named Jacob Marley and Casper. I still thought we should go out again. When I texted him, there was no response. A flood of memories came back to me. He was definitely a ghost.

So let this be a warning to all of Provo.

Beware of ghosts. 
Yours,

Abby Yates