Amid reports of gross human rights violations, President Worthen and other BYU administrators took a trip to the campus border this week. They were outraged to discover the overcrowded, unsanitary conditions of the Glenwood student detention center, where hundreds of UVU students wait each year, hoping someday to be admitted into BYU.

Administrators were given a tour of the student detention facilities by the property manager, who hurriedly rushed them under cracked ceilings to an immaculate model apartment full of snacks. Only at the insistence of President Worthen were they able to see the actual living conditions of confined students.

“The stench was immediately overpowering in the cramped, 6-person apartment. Mold completely covered the bathroom ceilings and the students’ beds were raised up off the floor by actual cinder blocks.” An outraged Worthen explained to reporters just outside the Glenwood compound on North University Avenue.

Apartment detainee Kyle Johnson had just returned from restarting the WiFi router when the tour entered his apartment. He sat down with them for a moment on a cushion-less couch to relate his experiences at Glenwood.

“Washing machines in the detention center have been nonfunctional for several weeks.” Kyle explained, “And students like me are being forced into year-long contracts every day that mask rising rental rates and lock people in to paying even when they’re out of Provo for the summer.”

President Worthen acknowledged the struggles of detained students like Kyle, and closed his impromptu press conference with a stirring call to action: “This is bad. I feel strongly that someone should do something about it.”