Provo’s traditional Fourth of July celebration “Stadium of Fire” has long been a favorite of many, drawing in crowds with the promise of live music and a jaw-dropping display of fireworks. A smaller segment, however, are enticed by the event’s somewhat misleading name.

“You know, initially a lot of us were excited by the opportunity to be a part of something as notorious as ‘Stadium of Fire.'” says local arsonist Aaron Blanker, “In the 80s we all used to buy tickets as soon as they were released.”

Blanker’s disappointment was shared by many in the local arsonist community, who, despite years of faithful attendance, have yet to have the chance to actually ignite any part of historic LaVell Edwards Stadium. This sort of misunderstanding has led to some close calls at previous editions of “Stadium of Fire.”

“I guess in hindsight I should have known that they might not want the stadium set on fire, but you think they would at least use a name that made that very clear from the onset.” stated Mary Lloyd from her prison cell. Lloyd is a member of a group arrested in 2014 for attempting to bring several hundred water bottles of gasoline and diesel fuel into the stadium as the event began.

“As soon as we saw the place full of families we quickly realized that we had badly misread the situation, but at that point it was too late. We tried to pass it off as booze, but it turns out they weren’t fans of that either.” comments fellow felon Conrad Piper.

In an effort to avoid future mishaps, Provo mayor Michelle Kaufusi has announced that arsonists will instead be encouraged to attend a new event called “Light Up the Fourth” that would legally allow them to burn down one Redstone Residential property every Independence Day.

“We figure they’ll start with the Liberty properties.” Comments the mayor’s office, “It fits the holiday well and there are enough of them to last quite a few years before any real damage is done.”