Following a searching 60 minutes on his crush’s Facebook page, Jason thinks he’s finally about ready to talk to her in person – and hopes to score a second date. 

“We could start with a first date, but I don’t really see the point.” Jason related from behind his computer screen, annoyed that the question even came up, “Why would we do a ‘first date’ when I already know her name, her birthday, her major, her favorite color, her friend group, the past six meals she’s eaten, her favorite workout outfits and routines, the locations of every vacation she went on since she was nine, her irrational fear of the ocean, her intense anxiety and depression, her complicated history with that other guy George, her ultimate hope to be a broker in New York, and all the names she has in mind for her first three children.”

Despite repeated attempts by roommates and family members to explain how dating works, Jason allegedly isn’t convinced that the first date is altogether necessary. He and his crush have, after all, been Facebook friends for “like a couple months now.”

“After going through more than 4,000 public posts I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on her attitudes, beliefs, talents, habits, preferences, sleep patterns, socioeconomic status, heart wrenching experiences, and family struggles. I really think we can move past those awkward first date questions.” Jason asserted.

“Isn’t that why she posts so much to begin with?”