BYU President Kevin Worthen, having spent his holiday break exclusively in solitude atop Y-mountain returned this Tuesday to the rowdy crowds awaiting his traditional first devotional to open the new semester. Many are still in shock at his dramatic announcement that animal sacrifice as described in the Old Testament will be taking the place of BYU’s current honor code.
The devotional itself got off to a surprising start as, in the middle of the student body’s singing of the opening hymn, smoke filled the Marriot center and President Worthen appeared at the podium, clad in ancient robes. Without any warning, BYU’s 13th president raised two stone tablets high above his head and thrust them at the ground in front of members of the student body seated in folding chairs on the floor of stadium. Shards of stone exploded in all directions, hospitalizing most sitting in the front row.
Face bearing a transfigured glow, President Worthen continued his address by expressing his disgust for the students’ slowness to remember God.
“God has brought you out of High School and has led you to the promised land! Why are you still wearing short skirts? What is that cheat sheet doing written on your arm?! How can you possibly miss your church meetings?!?” Worthen questioned, voice full of the wrath of God and increasing in volume as swarms of wild locusts began entering the stadium.
As the screams of audience members settled down, the Marriot Center’s Jumbotron screen faded into the first slide of a simple looking PowerPoint displaying renderings of a redesigned WILK, and bearing a title of “Honor through Animal Sacrifice.”
“Forget the ‘honor code.’ You already had forgotten it before you even walked into this hall today.” President Worthen’s voice broke the silence, “From now on every week everyone brings a goat to the door of the new Wilkinson Student Tabernacle and slaughters and burns it.”
While President Worthen’s righteous anger calmed, Sister Worthen stood and delivered a short address as well. Her remarks revolved mostly around a single penetrating question: “how are your sins doing? Obviously not too well.” She concluded her thoughts by sending another wave of guilt through the Marriot center in stating that, by her calculation, over 480,000 healthy, unblemished, first-born animals will be drained of all their blood and set on fire as a representative atonement for the dishonor of the student body this semester alone.
In contrast to consequences appointed to breaking the previous moral standards, punishments for preforming sacrifice incorrectly or foregoing it altogether will be much more severe than a simple expulsion from the university. Worthen mentioned in passing the chance that you could instantly turn into a pillar of salt, be sucked into the earth, find yourself stoned by your peers, simply fall dead, or even have first-born children die in your place. He was quick to clarify, however, that we shouldn’t limit God in the number of ways He can destroy you for disobedience.
“I hope you all learn an important lesson about what honor really is by the end of your education here. What sounds better to you? Sinning? Or staying alive? Now, everyone gets a sword from BYUSA as they leave, go slay everyone who didn’t come to the devotional.”