MTC Successfully Installs Death-Star Laser, Newest Bargaining Chip in Missionary Efforts

With the Provo Missionary Training Center’s expansion well under way and slated for completion later this year, there’s still one thing about one of the structure’s designs that has been raising eyebrows. A curious dome installed on the outcropping first floor of the smaller of the two new buildings has got people asking questions.

Based on insider information provided by a rogue construction worker who managed to escape the work site with detailed plans of the addition, we can now say with certainty that the ominous black dome is in fact some sort of giant laser beam, supposedly capable of destroying entire planets. Although the motivations behind its construction were initially unclear, Church representatives have chosen to respond in the wake of these new developments.

”In a world of changing political and economic conditions, we want to make sure every nation, kindred, tongue and people understand we’re still serious about maintaining a missionary presence among them.” Explained Richard E. Turley Jr, managing director of Public Affairs for the LDS Church, “China has been opposed to our missionary empire for a long long time now. Russia has recently showed resistance as well. They don’t understand the power of our missionary operations.”

But all of that is soon to change, we’re told, as the Provo MTC has decided to do, rather than do not, and is beginning preparations for a test of the devastating weapons system. Some wonder if using the weapon isn’t a trap that could land the Church on the dark side of international relations, but leaders of the missionary training center in Provo find their lack of faith disturbing.

“We’re still not exactly sure what will happen when we blow up North Korea.” Confessed Provo MTC President David C. Martino, admitting that many involved in the project have a bad feeling about this, “But they’ve been pretty unresponsive to our requests for entry into the country, and few of us have any new hope that they’ll open up at all. Really, why don’t they just let our nicely dressed young men and women preach the gospel in their country?”

Although yet to be confirmed, rumor has it that other changes have taken place in the Provo MTC as well. Letters home from missionaries currently serving in the training center claim that large crates of white battle helmets are being brought in and stored throughout the facility, and that extended exercise time has the church’s youngest official representatives fighting each other with glowing plastic swords. One missionary commented that the MTC President’s devotional attire is beginning to resemble more of a black hooded robe than a traditional suit.

Amongst all the uncertainty regarding changes in the MTC and the way the world in general relates to the missionaries that come out of it, one thing remains certain: with over 74,000 trained young adults in over 161 countries speaking over 50 different languages, the LDS missionary program continues to be a force (maybe even THE force) to be reckoned with by countries opposed to the spread of christianity in the 21st century.