Citing a recent post-holiday season decline in the hours students spend volunteering in the community, BYU’s Y-Serve has decided to increase the presence of on-campus dementors in a last-ditch effort to remind students of the need to make time to serve others.
With intimidating height of just over ten feet, dark eyeless faces, and each sporting eternally a single black garb made of who-knows-what sent through a cheese grater repeatedly, the dementors seemed like the ideal solution to Y-Serve’s dilemma.
“Of course the dementors’ ability to suck out and devour any ray of human joy certainly caught our eye.” Admitted club director Chris Crippen in a press conference Thursday, “Their capacity to make students feel guilt and shame because of their selfish use of time should not be underestimated.”
“The question ‘why serve?’ has been asked and answered a thousand times.” Adds Y-Serve’s community service coordinator Becky Smoot, “Why should BYU students serve? If they don’t they’ll be hunted down by flying soul-eating prison keepers from the wizarding world. I think we’re on to something here.”
With an initial wave of 20 dementors joining the BYU faculty this February, we reached out to the student body for their reactions:
“I’ve been waiting for a good reason to help other people.” David Jordan commented, enthusiastic about the new changes, including the fact that passing dementors will lower the temperature of everything around them to below freezing, constantly reminding him of the coldness of a life without service.
“I’m fine with letting dark hooded figures consume my happy memories if it means I can do what I want with my time.” Ronald Dunkin, although unhappy with Y-Serve’s decision, can deal with the new on-campus service enforcement.
Jessica Turner, a Sophomore already active in the volunteering community seems unphased by the addition of the flying monsters that once served the Dark Lord Voldemort in terrorizing Hogwarts students and destroying much of the school, asking simply, “can I still put these volunteer hours on my resume?”
Amongst all of the talk related to Y-Serve’s latest strategic decision, professors of the religion department candidly observed that, whether you like it or not, good Christian service may be the only thing that can save your soul this upcoming semester.